gahh fuck titles

ive never had anyone close to me die before today.

i woke up at 4am or so and saw i missed 8 phone calls and my mom txted me to pick up because it was an emergency. i called her and she told me Mouse was hit by a car and was in critical condition, that his brain was swelling and his kidney bleeding. 
Mouse was a friend of my older brother Richie, and he has lived with her on and off for years. He lived with us and his fiance when they were engaged, he lived with us when he had no where else to go, and he lived with us as a permanent member of the family.

i told Skopper and we booked it to the hospital. i saw my brother outside so i yelled for him and he calmly walked up to the car and he dropped against the open window and broke down hysterical for four seconds saying he didn’t think he’s going to make it. i jumped out while Skop parked and we went through the hospital to wait in the ICU. waited maybe like.. 10 minutes at most and the doctor came and said they couldn’t restart his heart, and they called it at 4:22am.  Skopper came in and caught the end of it, and we went in to see his body. we just stared at him for a few minutes and left. 

 he was hit right by the Wawa’s exit sign where my brother was working the gas station. he was on the phone seconds before he was hit with him, he heard the thud and he found Mouse. the person who hit him didn’t stop, they just drove off. 
we stopped at Wawa on the way home, and they gave me my coffee and cigarettes for free because of all this. while we were just sitting in the car two police offers pulled up and i over heard them mentioning something about catching something on camera i told my brother to go talk to them. i don’t think the traffic cameras reached that part of the road but either way the driver had to have passed the light, and they said they had an idea of what kind of car it was but they were still going through the tapes.

i have no idea what to feel. Mouse walked like 16 miles a day to get back and fourth between work. he asked me today if i could ask Skopper to come pick him up at the train station when he got there, but i told him Skopper was going to a party. i didn’t ask him because i knew he was going, he wouldn’t be home and i didn’t want him drinking and driving. but maybe if i did ask him he might have stayed home or just might have not drank. me and Mouse were suppose to hang out when he got home because i needed help with something and we were suppose to drive him back to the train station in the morning so he could go to work.
he was just such a good fucking person, like the nicest guy ever. he wouldn’t hurt a fly. he was weird and the blunt of my jokes a lot but we all got really close when the power went out and it was just us here. 
i just saw him and talked to him everyday and now i cant. he’d even stop at my job on his way and back from work to say hi. he always asked how i was doing even if i was in the pissiest mood ever and i didn’t want anyone around me.

no idea what to even do. i am not an emotional person and every time i think about what happened and his face i get panicked and i feel nauseous.